What Is Sabotaging Your Parenting
One of the main things that has made parenting hard for you is the societal and personal beliefs that SABOTAGE it. Those beliefs sabotage your ability to feel successful at parenting and, most especially, sabotage your enjoyment of it!
Let’s take this doozy >>> “Babies are manipulative”
This belief serves neither you, nor your child. What it does is introduce mistrust, blame, and powerlessness into the relationship ultimately wedging itself between you and your child.
Kick that crap to the curb and replace it with truthful and helpful beliefs that allow you to support yourself AND your child to experience success in getting your NEEDS met and in your relationship with each other too!
Let’s break down the problems this belief causes and then replace it with new truthful and helpful beliefs that have tools to go with them, to get them working right away for you!
Confusing a baby's communication of NEEDS as a decision to get as much as they can for their own benefit ultimately turns mother and child into adversaries instead of, well, mother and child.
I think we can all guess why that’s harmful for the babe, but for the mom? That's a little less obvious and so it’s what I’d like to focus on here. In this belief, we are blaming the baby’s NEEDS for how incredibly difficult it is to be a mom. That blame leaves mama with an icky solution to a REAL problem.
It basically sends the message ➡ "Get your $#!+ together and control that child before it controls you. This is YOUR problem, don't go asking for help." When the REAL problem is that MOMS NEED MORE SUPPORT. We just do!
Being responsible for the needs and survival of ANOTHER HUMAN BEING is huge!! This “manipulative” belief tells us if we’re struggling then we're simply not good enough, that it’s our own fault, and we don’t deserve to have help! It keeps US from expressing OUR NEEDS leaving us unsupported in getting them met. And then, how the heck DO we properly care for that other sweet human being?
This one belief is a hallmark of what mamas are dealing with all day, every day >>> we set ourselves aside and hover on the edge of burn out - so sure that it is our fault, our own shortcomings causing all this pain. Mama, it is SO NOT YOU.
Mama, you were SO SET to love motherhood, and when it got hard, society paid you off with some crappy beliefs. It's time to replace them with new thoughts, new beliefs, and a new way of being a mom.
The main reason we are so quick to set ourselves and our instincts aside in motherhood is because we did it in childhood too… believing that you are the problem is a survival technique - so is putting other people’s opinions, wants, and preferences as more important than YOU. We do that second one to fit in, to feel accepted, and to meet our Need for Connection. And, still, we end up feeling starved since it isn’t the REAL us others are connecting to anyway.
Connecting with and valuing your NEEDS is key in motherhood - get it for you and you’ve created an environment where your kids can connect with and value their NEEDS too. We ALL show up as better versions of ourselves when it’s easy and predictable to get our NEEDS met - so doing this will actually improve your child’s behavior.
But I digress...
Let’s talk about getting rid of those survival mechanisms and getting you on the road to getting the support you NEED. I do this in 2 main areas with my clients: Recalibrating your radar system and priming your pump of self-valuing. I call it >>> Reparenting.
It starts inside of you:
How you value yourself. (Making sure you are in a place where you know that WHAT YOU WANT MATTERS, that you ARE NOT THE PROBLEM, and that you can absolutely trust yourself. Your brain can easily be retrained to look for the proof of these things and then make decisions according to these beliefs - and in the end you don’t only value yourself more - you value EVERYONE more.)
How in touch you are with your boundaries. (Your preferences ARE your boundaries so recalibrating your radar system to make what you LIKE and DON’T LIKE the highest priority is what’s needed here. Your radar system is what I call the filter in your brain - it takes the myriad bits of information that your senses are registering at every moment and chooses which ones to make you aware of. MANY of us are MORE AWARE of other people’s boundaries than our own. We’ll even present our boundaries as questions to see if they fit in with the other person’s boundaries. That’s like asking if WHO YOU ARE fits in with WHO THEY ARE and that’s enmeshment. You are both separate human beings of immeasurable worth and it’s ok if you disagree - disagreement doesn’t lessen anyone’s value. When you understand this, it becomes a million times easier to sort things out and get to a place where both parties’ boundaries have been respected).
How you lost that in childhood. (Being super-sensitive to OTHER PEOPLE’S opinions, preferences, and boundaries is a common way kids create feelings of safety for themselves, particularly in environments where there is punishment or abuse. When issues arise, our brains will typically make US the problem because the world is too scary of a place if there is something “wrong” with our caregivers - they might not be able to take care of us and keep us alive so the “wrongness” falls on us. Then it’s compounded when harsh words or harsh physical treatment is present because we use it as further proof that the wrongness is ours).
(Being super-sensitive to OTHER PEOPLE’S opinions, preferences, and boundaries is a common way kids create feelings of safety for themselves, particularly in environments where there is punishment or abuse. When issues arise, our brains will typically make US the problem because the world is too scary of a place if there is something “wrong” with our caregivers - they might not be able to take care of us and keep us alive so the “wrongness” falls on us. Then it’s compounded when harsh words or harsh physical treatment is present because we use it as further proof that the wrongness is ours).
How to get it back… you do that by using practical tools that are simple and effective for reclaiming access to your STRENGTHS and your heart! Those tools come from a coaching model called Language of Listening® and it's one I will forever be grateful for as it allowed me to not only become the mom I always wanted to be but also to reparent myself after an abusive childhood.
Teaching this model is exactly what I do with mamas when I’m getting them to a place where they LOVE the way they parent (we do that in my 12 week 1:1 course). First, we get you curious and able to see the world through the lenses of LIKES, DISLIKES, and NEEDS by using a tool called SAY WHAT YOU SEE®. Then we turn you into a problem-solver to get your NEEDS and your kids NEEDS met within your boundaries (since you are the one in charge!). We do this using the CAN DOs tool. And finally we make the new access you have to WHO YOU ARE permanent by finding and validating your HIDDEN STRENGTHs. (using the STRENGTHs tool.) Mama ALL of this is available to you AND your kids because when you get it for YOU, you’ve got it for them.
Get it now by reading more about my program HERE and then clicking the link to sign up for a FREE call to see if we're a good fit! ❤