WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET - Why worrying about who your child might become may actually be the thing that makes it happen!
(This post is about how fear and judgment in parenting can cause self-fulfilling prophecies, and how to remedy that simply and effectively.)
When we REALLY don't want our kids to be a bully, have anger issues, be a cry-baby, or lazy, we keep looking for the PROOF that they are, so we can try and stamp it out.
Because it's what we're looking for, THAT PROOF IS EXACTLY WHAT WE WILL SEE, it will be the only information that informs us about who they are. This information will absolutely direct how we treat our child.
How we treat them affects their view of themselves and children ACT according to who they believe they are.
So, very simply, if you are looking for and finding proof that your daughter is indeed mean, and you keep pointing it out and telling her to stop, well, that belief will get embedded in her mind that that is who she is. It belief will direct her actions and decision-making. She may even feel trapped by that label and unable to change. Our kids really do believe what we tell them about themselves.
This puts a whole new spin on "What you see is what you get."
Language of Listening® taught me that if it works to increase the behavior by looking for proof of the weakness, then the opposite must also be true.
Look for proof of the STRENGTH that opposes the weakness you worry about. Point out the STRENGTH when you see it, and your child will grow away from that perceived weakness.
For example, if you are so sure your child is lazy, look for when their motivation shows up. (It really is there in spades!).
Now, it might be that they are not motivated to do the things YOU want, but watch for how their motivation shows up around what THEY want.
It could be to play video games, see their friends, spend time at the park - just see how their internal drive shows up when there is something they want and point that out!
You will quickly see you have a child who is motivated! And then you can start looking for when "Responsible" shows up to get proof of the times they ARE doing what you want: Do they brush their teeth? Hang up their coat without being asked? Remember to shut the door? Go to school?
If you are fearful your daughter is a mean-girl, look for times she is being thoughtful, kind, or inclusive, and point THOSE out. She will likely EAT UP THOSE MOMENTS, they will get applied to her self-image, and you will see a shift!
Even if it's hard, and you can only find the STRENGTH once - even once can be incredibly effective! And the truth is, if you can find it once you can find it 100 times, it's just a matter of training your brain to look for different things.
Now, in order to get the new belief about themselves to stick, in order to make this technique really work, you need to be sure you first state the thing they did or said that is PROOF of the STRENGTH, and THEN point out the STRENGTH itself.
Essentially you use the first 2 tools from Language of Listening® the parenting model I use, teach, and love.
Here's an example:
TOOL 1: SAY WHAT YOU SEE >>> "You keep fighting that same character over and over again in your game. He keeps beating you, and you won't give up!"
TOOL 2: STRENGTHs >>> "That shows you are motivated to go after what you want!"
It's really that simple!
The whole model is super-simple so it is easy to remember and doable ESPECIALLY during those really difficult parenting moments. Actually, after those 2 tools, all that's left of this model is 1 more tool which is the CAN DOs tool for holding boundaries.
3 simple tools that give you exactly what you need to get your kids listening without yelling, threats, or punishment. I teach moms the ART of those 3 tools in my 12-week intensive. My program is for moms who want to parent differently than the way they were parented, who do indeed want to get their kids listening without the yelling and the threats.
In my program, we work together to rewire your brain to start looking for everything you and your child are doing RIGHT so we can expand those things in both of you! Your brain will also get trained to see people's behaviors in terms of meeting Needs. Once you know what Need your child's behavior is meeting, you can redirect it calmly and peacefully to get their behavior falling within your boundaries. And finally, I get you decoding emotions as they show up in you and in your child.
Emotions send powerful messages about your boundaries and your deepest needs. Once you are aware of these, they become easy to honor in your life, even and especially when it feels like there is no time or space for them. You will end up parenting in a way that teaches your child this same self-honoring.
Mama, if you want to learn this ground-breaking parenting model, if you want kids who are anything BUT lazy, argumentative, mean, or irresponsible, if you want to be able to hold boundaries with confidence and ease - let's talk!
Simply send me a message letting me know what your biggest struggle is in motherhood right now, and we can chat to see if you're a good fit for my program (and if it's a good fit for you!). To connect - head over to my About page, scroll to the bottom, and drop me a line!